Don't Be So Hard on Yourself

Are you hard on yourself? Are ya? You…I’m talkin to you.
Yeah, maybe not all the time but sometimes…a little bit of that negative self-talk kickin in there about this, that, or the other thing.

Maybe it’s how much money you’ve made, or didn’t. How much time you’re working in your business or not, or that thing that you didn’t do just quite right or perfect enough.

I work with a lot of business owners and talk to a lot of business owners and I find that they can be positive, optimistic individuals on the outside, and then when we dig in a little bit, we realize they’re not actually that happy with their performance.  Despite all the outward signs that they’re doing a great job.

Connect with me on LinkedIn
Watch episodes on our YouTube Channel
Watch THIS episode on our YouTube Channel
Schedule a Discovery Call with me
www.kaizenperformance.com

Transcript

Hey everybody, Dan Holstein here with another Rev Up Your Business Video, and I’ve got a question for you this week…are you hard on yourself? Are you? You…I’m talking to you.

Yeah, maybe not all the time, but sometimes…a little bit of negative self-talk kickin in there about this, that, or the other thing.  Maybe it’s how much money you’ve made or didn't or how much time you're working in your business or not.

Or maybe both that thing that you didn't do just quite right or perfect enough.

You know I work with a lot of business owners and talk to a lot of business owners and I find that they can be positive optimistic individuals on the outside, and then when we dig in a little bit we realize they're not actually that happy with their performance despite all the outward signs that they're doing a great job.

So here's where I notice it the most: First of all, money. "Oh, I didn't make enough money."

Okay, well how much what was your target?  Did you actually set a dollar amount that you're committed to earning and then working a plan back to do it?

Or was it just "I need to do more this year. I need to earn more.  I need to bring more in" but not having actually set it? So there's a recipe for disappointment because if we don't set exactly how much money we want to earn, we'll never get there if it's just more.

It'll always be about the future.  We're going be constantly chasing happiness.

Another thing is time. A lot of business owners I know, they're working really hard in their businesses, working with their teams, they're trying to do some great stuff out there in the business community and they're working long hours too and they don't want to.

They want to have some semblance of balance back in their life.

And there's the whole argument: "there's no such thing as life balance".

But if they're choosing that they want to work less, let's define that so we know when you've made it.  Instead of saying " Oh, I'm just going to work less" and then you feel like you've worked more than you should and you're unhappy about that.

Let's actually say "It's going to be 46 hours this week and 45 next week." And get down to however many hours you actually want to work.

Then we have to look at the negative self-talk that comes from this.

Despite doing a great job, we can find,  maybe you're doing a great job in 10 areas of your life but it's one or two things that we might not be doing a great job in our head.

And that's where we put our focus. It's not all the great stuff.  It's the one or two little things that we're not doing a great job on and then we have the negative self-talk kick in.

In other words, we're going into judgment mode.  We're telling ourselves negative things about our performance.  We might feel little bit guilty about that and if that language continues then we start to feel shame.

Guilt is a feedback mechanism to tell you not to do something or to do something different whereas shame is a way of being.  We're “shameful individuals.”

So we've got to be really careful of that negative self-talk because being in a shameful state has a couple of negative side effects.  It reduces your - lowers your self-esteem.  You're going to have ongoing negative self-talk that you would never put up from anybody else, put up with from anybody else, and it's going to lower our motivation and our confidence in order to try new things or to do things that are actually going to help us feel fulfilled and happy.

So remember, it's not your job to judge.  When you judge yourself, it's like you're already on the ground, now you're kicking yourself.

That's it's not the gig.

That's not your job to do that.

So a couple of strategies to get through some of this judgment stuff that we might do to ourselves or being hard on ourselves:

First of all make a little list of all the great things that you've done.  And it's not to be arrogant, or to say "I'm the greatest" but to actually take some time and sit with yourself and say "what have I actually done that's worthwhile?"

You could even just be down to "you know what? I'm a really polite person. I hold the door for people."

Or it could be "do you know what? I helped that client get that contract" or that "I was a great dad because I made sure I got home on time and went to my son's soccer game."

Or whatever it might be, make a list of all the great things that you've done.

If you're a business owner and if you've been in business for more than five years, congratulations. You're in the 20% club.  Most businesses are done before five years is out.  So there you go, five years in.  If you're 10 years in, all the better right? You're beating the odds.

So although things might be challenging or you're not achieving exactly what you want you're probably doing a lot of good stuff out there so make a list.

And then luxuriate in your list! Review it.  You know understand all the good stuff that you've done over the months and over the years.  All the hard work that you've put in.  Look what you've accomplished.

It's so easy to set a goal or get near it and go "Okay, that's great, whatever" and on to the next thing without taking a second to actually just stop and appreciate what you've done. 

And subconsciously if we don't stop to appreciate what we've done we devalue it and then we're constantly looking for the next thing.  And then we'll achieve that and we'll devalue it, too.

By not celebrating it not acknowledging it.

So we have to take some time to recognize what we've actually done and what we continue to do.  And not just the "do", who are we "becoming". 

Think of all the trials and tribulations you've had to go through in your business to get to where you are now and in your life.

All the things that you've learned.  All the positive impact you've had on people.

You’ve got to recognize that.

And just because you might not have made the exact amount of money that you didn't define this year, that's okay.  Or if you'll work a little bit too much, that's okay.

We can just reset and then feel good about the actions that we are taking towards achieving what we want to achieve.

Okay, so we've got to really watch out for this negative self-talk being hard on ourselves thing.

That's why I got this poster (from Ikea) because I find I'm hard on myself sometimes.

So I've got that hanging in my office to remind me "Holstein, take it easy. You're doing a pretty good job here"

Don't be beating yourself up about this, that, or the other thing."

And I encourage you to do the same thing as well.  Take some time to recognize the good that you're doing.  If you catch yourself with the negative self-talk, that's okay. It's awareness, right?

That's the first step in making some change. Just catch it.

If you beat yourself up a little bit about something just catch it, stop, and be okay.  Say "hey, do you know what? I'm actually doing a great job in other things.

I'm going to shift my language on this.

I'm going to set some clear goals.

I'm going to be clear on the actions I'm taking and I can feel good about the effort I'm putting out every day.

So that's it for this week. 

I look forward to you having a great week and not being hard on yourself.  In other words being supportive and kind to yourself.

And I look forward to seeing you next time.

Have a fantastic week! You deserve it.